[SINGING] My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be
Right back in my hometown With my new family
There's old friends and new friends And even a bear
Through good times and bad times It's true love we share
And so I found a place Where everyone will know
My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show
[CHUCKLES]
[RUMBLING]
[SCREAMING]
Hey, guys. Ready for the Super Bowl party next week?
I am.
[SINGING] Super Bowl, Super Bowl, Super Bowl
Pa... Pa... Pa... Party
Is happening Sunday
Ha, ha, ha. Super Bowl.
- Yeah. - Woo-hoo!
I'm ready for some foosball.
[SIGHS THEN GROANS]
I got our Super Bowl party all planned out.
Big-screen TV here, bratwurst launcher over there.
Beer bucket, puke bucket, beer bucket, puke bucket.
We'll make sure to label them this time.
Hope the halftime entertainment's better than last year.
[PLAYING "ROCKIN' ROBIN"]
[HUMMING]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
So now that we've all agreed not to tell anyone about the spanking...
...let us commence the changing of the guard of the class turtle.
[PLAYING FANFARE]
Rallo Tubbs, please place your hand on this Amazon Kindle...
...with the Bible loaded on it and recite the oath.
I, Rallo Tubbs, do solemnly swear to protect this turtle...
...and feed him the pellets that look the same going in as they do coming out.
In the name of the Father, the Son...
Nah... Eh... There's no need for any of that hocus-pocus.
By the power vested in me...
...I grant you custody of the class turtle, Turt Russell.
Julius.
And bring on the ladies.
- Ooh. - You're so nurturing.
I like turtles.
There we go.
Lined the cage with USA Today so he can poop on poop.
Now, so I can monitor what's going on in here...
JUNIOR [OVER RADIO]: Turtle, turtle, turtle.
I'm Cleveland Brown Jr. Most people call me Junior.
Not to be confused with the mints.
[LAUGHING]
Why aren't you looking at me, turtle?
Hey, I'm over here.
Hey, quit tapping on the glass.
- Who said that? RALLO: Who do you think, fool?
Oh, my God.
You're a talking turtle.
Uh...
Yes. Yes, I am.
Ha, ha. Ain't I a stinker?
I don't know. Are you a stinker?
Uh, no, I am not a stinker. Gotta go.
- Phew. Saved it. JUNIOR: Saved what?
[GROANS]
There's cake.
Do you remember when she perioded in her white pants?
Yeah, poor thing.
I know. I feel bad for her.
[CHATTERING]
Man, I can't believe that Tom has been here for 25 years.
- What a legacy. CLEVELAND: What a waste of a life.
Thank you. Thank you all.
I hope there's another 25 years ahead of me.
[GRUNTING]
Oh, my God. He's choking on this dried-out, Ionely cake.
I think it's good.
Oh.
[COUGHS]
He's dead.
- I get his desk chair. - I call the glass-fronted bookshelves.
I want that leadership poster.
[PEOPLE YELLING]
[GRUNTING]
[CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTING]
[TIM SCREAMING]
MAN: In the midst of life we are in death. Of whom may we seek for...
You know, with Tom...
...Waterman's gonna need to hire a new intraregional junior associate...
...managing assistant co-vice-president of Marketing Solutions Digital Division.
I was thinking about submitting for that job. But, then I thought, "No."
But then, I thought, "Why not?" But then, I thought, "No, who cares?"
And then I forgot all about it until now.
And now I'm thinking, "Yeah." But I don't know.
Terry, you should do it.
Just think, if you were the boss, you could promote me to being your boss...
...and then I could promote you, and so on, et cetera.
Pretty soon, we'd be running the place.
Hell, why wouldn't Mr. Waterman give me this job?
He's always offering to give me all types of jobs.
[WATERMAN CHUCKLES]
Oh, this is gonna be great. My best friend's gonna be my new boss.
Hooray!
Hooray, Tom's in heaven. Doesn't have any more problems.
Paradise.
But with Australia, it's two armies every turn.
One point of entry.
You control Australia, you control the world.
Though in real life, those people are drunken beach trash...
...who are always on vacation.
RALLO [OVER RADIO]: All right, enough Risk.
Well, I've been talking about myself so much.
Tell me something about you.
Here's what you need to know about me. I'm broke.
- What do you need money for? - I want a pool cue.
Cool. My brother Rallo's been asking for one of those too.
Listen, man, if you're not a jerk, you'll put the money on my shell.
Feels a little light.
That's more like it.
Now, there's a stack of turtle homework in Rallo's backpack.
- Go do it. - Turtle homework? Yay!
Cleveland, they just delivered 10 kegs of beer for your Super Bowl party.
We can't afford this.
Don't worry, Donna.
When Terry gets that promotion, he'll give me a big fat raise, cut my hours.
He'll do whatever I tell him to.
He will be no more than my puppet.
Cleveland, you do realize that if you got that promotion...
...you could do all that stuff yourself and make even more money in the process?
Be my own puppet you say? Interesting.
Party over here.
Oh, that's nasty.
Hooray!
[LAUGHING]
Oh. Creepy.
And then I would become the first lady of Waterman Cable.
Well, technically, Lydia Waterman is the first lady.
Then I would be the Jill Biden of Waterman Cable.
I'd be the Jill Biden of Waterman Cable.
And I'd finally be able to tell all those bitches at the supermarket to suck it.
We'd be untouchable.
- Cleveland, you have to apply for that job. - You're right, Donna.
I can't let anyone stand in my way.
I've gotta be ruthless...
...like Bob the Builder before his morning coffee.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Terry, I have a confession to make. I also applied for the job.
I know. I have a confession too.
I urinated in your coffee.
[GULPS]
It's time to announce which of you blue-collared dolts...
...is about to take the name off his shirt and put it on a door.
The winner of the promotion is...
...Tim the Bear.
Yeah.
Wowee-zowee. Ha, ha.
Thank you, Lloyd.
You know, three days ago, when you told me I got this job...
...and made me promise not to tell anybody...
...I thought, "This guy is hilarious."
Now, don't think of me as a 2000-pound killing machine...
...who now has the ability to fire you.
Think of me as your friend.
[CHEERING]
[GROWLS]
So, Tim, I think I'm coming down with a little beer-itis, huh?
Hey, come here.
[COUGHS]
Now you've got it too.
What do you say we take the rest of the day off?
Uh, that's a big negatory there, good buddy.
We're gonna need to stay a little later tonight...
...to get everyone caught up to the snuff, as it were.
- How late? - Well, I don't know, like 6:30.
S... S... S... Six thirty?
No!
[PEOPLE GASP]
Tim, that shook me up real bad.
I'm gonna need to leave early.
- Six thirty. - Aw.
Man, yesterday, Tim had the nerve to ask me how many installs I've done.
Excuse me?
I used to come to work to relax.
Now it's the most stressful part of my day.
Tell me about it. I might shoot this place up.
Not you guys. You guys seem cool.
[CHUCKLES]
You know what? Make sure you wear red on Friday.
I've always thought you were neat, Chad. A neat guy.
And if you think about it, if you shoot up the office on Monday...
...the survivors would probably get the rest of the week off...
...instead of just the weekend.
Just my two cents.
Okay, guys, that's your 15-second warning to wrap up your break.
I'm looking at you, Cleveland.
You're supposed to be installing cable in a house...
...not cheese Danish in your mouth.
Ten seconds.
Ten seconds? Oh.
[MICROWAVE BEEPS AND CLEVELAND GROANS]
Oh, Donna. I didn't know you'd taken a second job as a gas station attendant.
- Good for you. - Excuse me?
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that poor people fill up their own cars.
Ever since Timothy got his promotion, I'm a full-service gal.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to buy my milk...
...at the gas station where we know it's overpriced.
DONNA: That could've been my life.
Why did I say no to Tim after that block party?
Cleveland, Terry, can you, uh, come in here for a second?
I wanted the two of you to see something.
To increase the productivity, I have installed what are commonly called "nanny cams"...
...in each repair truck.
I told you that teddy bear wasn't always there.
Their cable went out. We were there on business.
I had the flu.
[TERRY & CLEVELAND GROAN]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[LAUGHING]
Don't remember that.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[MOANING]
We were entertaining a Japanese dignitary.
Ahem. Cleveland, you're fired.
- Ah. - Is what I should say.
But because we're friends, I'm just gonna reduce your salary...
...by, uh, let's say, 15 percent.
Fifteen percent?
That's my tipping money, plus an extra 10 percent.
[SINGING] If you refuse me, honey You lose me and you'll be left alone
Oh, baby, telephone And tell me I'm your own
[PANTING]
RALLO [OVER RADIO]: One more time. This time backwards.
[RALLO LAUGHS AND JUNIOR GROANS]
[SINGING LYRICS BACKWARDS]
Damn, kid's got chops.
[GROANS]
Cleveland, what happened?
[CLEVELAND GRUNTING]
Donna, it was terrible.
Tim had us work eight hours in one day.
With only an hour for lunch.
I had to take up smoking just to take breaks.
And now I'm hooked.
It's like a legal high.
Oh, these things are amazing.
Donna, remind me to buy cigarettes for the Super Bowl party, and lots of them.
Ah! My vice.
[SOBBING]
Look at you. This isn't the man I married.
The man I married wouldn't get pushed around...
...while his wife has to watch a bear buy gas station milk.
But, Donna, what can I do?
You have to get him to see that your friendship...
...is more important than that promotion.
And then he'll step down and you can steal the promotion.
Hurry, Cleveland, before Arianna gets a brick pizza oven and I have to kill myself.
Take me. Take me right here.
And boom goes the dynamite.
- Knock, knock, have a sec? - I do.
- Nobody likes you. - What?
I'm just saying, there are some things that are more important than this promotion.
Friendship, for one.
Are you saying that you're not going to be friends with me if I keep this job?
Your words.
Ow.
I will pay for those.
Aah! Bitch.
Attention, everybody. Two things.
Uh, first, Chad, you're fired. Too creepy.
I will turn your face into a toilet bowl of blood.
Yeah, see, that's what I'm talking about right there.
Please leave.
The second thing is that I can tell morale is pretty low...
...because of the recent round of layoff.
So we are going on a mandatory work retreat all weekend long.
Bus leaves in one hour.
Work retreat? But we're gonna miss the Super Bowl.
- Do something. - Are we really gonna take this?
- Do you think there'll be cake, Cleveland? - Shh. Shh.
Calm down everybody.
When, in the course of human events, your boss starts acting all mean...
Uh... Hang on.
- you can either bend over and take it or you can fight back.
Who wants to bend over and take it?
Well, I shouldn't have asked because we're gonna fight back...
...because I am not about to miss my Super Bowl party.
You're having a Super Bowl party?
I didn't invite work people because that would ruin it.
Okay, everyone remember, we all hate Tim.
- We don't like his ideas. WOMAN: Mm-hm.
Okay, Boo Boo, who brought the picnic basket?
[LAUGHING]
I'm kidding. It's okay for me to say that.
But that's a negative stereotype that we've been fighting for years.
So hand me your personal and team goals forms on your way out.
[MUTTERING] Tim is no good.
Okay, "F-bomb the fat bear."
Okay, "F-bomb you, F-bomb you, F-bomb your mom."
Oh, I guess my dad was on the bus somewhere. Heh.
Okay, okay, now, for the first team exercise...
...let's build a latrine.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Let's not and say we did.
TIM: Jeez Louise. When did Cleveland become such a wit?
It's gonna be hard to compete with him out here.
You got to do something, Tim the Bear.
Maybe it would help if I think about this in my native language.
[TIM GROWLING IN VOICE-OVER]
That's it, scavenger hunt.
Okay, let's have a scavenger hunt. Everybody pair up.
Cleveland, you're on my team.
- Why? - Because I don't trust you.
Or myself around his wife.
Oh, why couldn't Donna have said yes to me at the block party?
[SINGING] Got a brand new cue stick
Gonna play pool
Oh, my God, Turt. Where's Turt?
Rallo, we gotta talk.
There's a few things you gotta know about Turt.
One, he could talk. Two, he was a dick.
And, three, I put him in the storm drain.
What? Oh, God.
He was my responsibility.
Oh, Mrs. Lowenstein is gonna kill me.
I'm gonna throw these down the storm drain too.
They're acting all weird.
- How many things on the list did you find? - None.
- Well, how hard did you look? - Not hard.
You know, Cleveland, you might want to think...
...about changing your 'tude, dude.
You're an idiot. This whole weekend's an idiot.
I'm going back to camp. Give me the map.
What map? I thought you had the map.
Oh, my God, we're lost in the woods.
Oh, God. Okay, okay, okay.
It's okay, it's okay. Just breathe.
What are you worried about? You're a bear.
I'm scared of the woods. Why do you think I bought a house, man?
Aah! Dead leaves. Dirt.
[SOBBING]
Look at you. You stink in the office and you stink in the woods.
You're a bum. You're not even good at being a bear.
Oh, yeah? Well, you have a bad work ethic.
Yeah, I went there.
How dare you?
I ran a Rhode Island delicatessen that Big Fat Paulie went into one time.
I didn't even want this stupid promotion. Arianna wanted it.
Hey, you want the job so bad, you be the boss.
I don't wanna be the boss. Donna wanted me to be the boss.
Wow.
I guess if it weren't for our horrible nagging wives...
...none of this would've happened.
Huh. I guess you're right. Once again, it's our wives' fault.
- Hey, you know what I'm thinking? - That we could swap wives?
What? Oh, God, no.
I was thinking if we put our heads together, we could find our way back to camp.
What do you say, boss?
You mean "friend."
Friend.
[GUNSHOT THEN TIM GROANS]
Hey! Did we used to work together?
Good news. We're gonna make it back in time for the Super Bowl.
And then I told him to sing it again, and he did...
...and then he got cross, and he threw Turt down a storm drain.
But it's all my fault and I'm sorry...
...and I hope I haven't lost your trust forever...
...because our relationship means the world to me, Mrs. Lowenstein.
The world.
Come with me.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
The class turtle has gone home with 11 different children this year...
...and not one has brought it back.
But that's impossible.
Not when I have these.
What's going on here?
Why are you giving out turtles if you know we gonna lose them?
To teach you kids that you're too young to have sex.
If you can't take care of a turtle, how are you supposed to take care of a baby?
I'm not. I'm 5.
Exactly. So keep it in your pants, mister.
Okay.
Now here, take Turt Russell 13 and bring him to school tomorrow.
Or don't. They're just turtles.
Watch.
- Ah? - Yay. Yay.
- Mm? - Mrs. Lowenstein, you're all right.
[AIR HORN WAILS ON TV]
Super Bowl.
I got 5 grand on the line.
MAN [ON TV]: Heads. - Heads? Aw, crap.
Well, the joke's on my stupid bookie.
I don't have 5 grand.
[English - US - SDH]